THINGS WHICH DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS

Pastor Jerry Rockwell

 

THINGS WHICH DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS

Joshua 22

Have you ever had difficulties in relationships? Have you tried to make peace in a family squabble? We find that sometimes families can get crossways in their relationships, leading to conflict. Often, these lead to family splits. That can even happen in a great church like ours. The question is, how do we keep the peace in these types of issues? Note with me James 4:1 (KJV) From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Conflicts do not come from the outside but from the inside. When we encounter these difficulties, they come from within. We can have problems even after 35 to 40 years of marriage; you can still have conflicts. Proverbs 13:10 (KJV) Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom. Pride is the source of fighting and conflicts. When things get out of hand, then we need to remember this verse. This verse tells us what really goes wrong in relationships. We are going to have to learn how to give and take in relationships. We want to look at three things that can destroy relationships. If you will, we might call them “cancers” that destroy relationships. There are probably more than three, but in this text, we need to avoid three. If we pay attention, we can remove much of the conflicts in our relationships. 

  1. THE MATTER OF DIFFERING VALUES. In Number 32:1-5 tells the story that is the background of this passage. The two-and-a-half tribes decide to stay on the east side of the Jordan. Go there with me for a moment. These two and a half tribes settle for good enough, and we are often guilty of doing the same. These two and a half tribes agree to fight with their brethren when they take the land. In Joshua 22:1-9 the result is explained. The battles are over, and it is time for them to return to their tents. They had done what Moses asked them, and Joshua gave them leave to return to their land and families. Now, many of the commentaries give these people a hard time, and they made a choice that was good enough for them. They were honorable, kept their commitments, and fought with their brethren to defeat the enemies they faced. They kept their word. They were hardworking. Yet they were a people with limited vision, living just one step short of total consecration. They wanted to live fruitful lives, but they were unwilling for God to control every aspect of their lives. They were a lot like many people, some of whom may be here today. You are here, and you probably work hard, keep your commitments, yet you and God know that you have settled for “good enough” and have reserved some areas of your life, not consecrating them wholly to God. You are not willing to make that total surrender to God in every area of your life. 

Any relationship in which people have different values and come together is likely to have the potential for conflict. That is why Paul warned in 2 Corinthians 6:14 (KJV) Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? We need to be careful with our relationships, especially with those who are not believers. Why? Because in relationships that are binding, like marriage. It makes no difference how much you enjoy each other’s presence; if you do not share basic values, you will find it difficult to go on. We have enough problems that come with people who do not share our values. These are people of the world. Jesus said some things about this in John 17:14-15 (KJV) 14 I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. 15 I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. You see, we are in the world, but not people of the world, and those who do not have that perspective do not understand our commitment to the Lord. You have to live with people in the world, and that is why we are here. We are to be a witness to these people and bring them to the Lord Jesus Christ. The problem comes when we enter into relationships with those in the world who do not understand our relationship with the world. 

  1. THE MATTER WHICH MAKES A CONFLICT, Joshua 22:10 (KJV) And when they came unto the borders of Jordan, that are in the land of Canaan, the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh built there an altar by Jordan, a great altar to see to. This verse states the problem. They built an altar, and not just any altar; they built one that could be seen from a long distance. This brings us to the response to the problem in Joshua 22:11-14 (which we will look at in a moment). They plan for a war. Have you ever been there? I have seen war in families that would make some of the conflicts of actual war with guns and bullets look mild. You can hear the nine and a half tribes saying, “Look what they have done. They have started their own Altar.” Did they have the audacity to do something like that? Here, we find that the altar they built is the source of conflict. It was a large one, designed to be impressive. That is the way we usually do things. We want to show people just how much we can do for the Lord. It may not be exactly the way God wanted it, but after all, God could use some help from someone as creative and helpful as me. You see, God does things His way, and usually very differently than we would. When we choose convenience and settle for “good enough,” we limit our commitment to God. A relationship that will get us through difficult times is built on the same values. When you build a relationship with people who have different values, you have a formula for conflict. It may be a slow-growing anger or the fast-growing kind. It may take years to manifest itself, but it is there.
  2. THE MATTER OF TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE INSTEAD OF TALKING WITH THEM. Joshua 22:10-14. I want you to look closely at Joshua 22:11 and the phrase “…the children of Israel heard say…” Have you ever heard of “hearsay?” Look at Joshua 22:12 (KJV) And when the children of Israel heard of it, the whole congregation of the children of Israel gathered themselves together at Shiloh, to go up to war against them. Had anyone taken the time to go and talk with the two and a half tribes on the other side of Jordan? No, they were too busy preparing for war. They got worked up because of what they “heard.” We get so upset because we have heard something. One of the major causes of relationship difficulties is loose tongues and vacuum-cleaner ears. Look at the meeting results in Joshua 22:13-14. The meeting results in accusations of rebellion, as seen next.
  3. THE MATTER OF BEING MORE INTERESTED IN BEING RIGHT THAN BEING RIGHTEOUS, Joshua 22:15-20. We need to get real and honest. Would you analyze your motives in conflict? Are you more interested in being right than righteous? When you analyze what is going on here, you find that the tribes on the West side of the Jordan were right about serving the Lord. They believed the word of the Lord, and they knew there was ONE altar. They remembered the words of Deuteronomy 12:12-14 (KJV) 12 And ye shall rejoice before the Lord your God, ye, and your sons, and your daughters, and your menservants, and your maidservants, and the Levite that is within your gates; forasmuch as he hath no part nor inheritance with you. 13 Take heed to thyself that thou offer not thy burnt offerings in every place that thou seest: 14 But in the place which the Lord shall choose in one of thy tribes, there thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, and there thou shalt do all that I command thee. God said He would specify the place where they would offer their sacrifices. These nine and a half tribes were righteously indignant and knew that the other two and a half tribes were in the wrong. After all, they had “heard” what they had done. They give two historical events to remind these people of the possibility of rebellion and its consequences. They mention Peor (verse 17) and Achan (verse 20). If you know your Bible, you know Peor was where Balaam prophesied for Balak and eventually caused the people of Israel to sin. Then the illustration of Achan, who took the spoil at Jericho. The point being made is, do you not know that the judgment of God will fall on you, and just as Achan’s family suffered because of his sin, you will bring the judgment of God upon us in the same manner because you have committed a trespass by building an altar. Why don’t you just come on over and join us? We will give you land to dwell in. Look at Joshua 22:19 (KJV) Notwithstanding, if the land of your possession be unclean, then pass ye over unto the land of the possession of the Lord, wherein the Lord's tabernacle dwelleth, and take possession among us: but rebel not against the Lord, nor rebel against us, in building you an altar beside the altar of the Lord our God. Note how they indicate they have sinned against the Lord and against them. You people are doing the wrong thing, and it will affect all of us. Remember Proverbs 13:10 (KJV) Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom. You are doing something wrong, and we are going to suffer for it. Did you know they were right? Yet, there is one thing that is important. It is more important to be righteous than to be right. You should be right, but you need to combine the two. We need to be right and righteous. You can be so right that you can destroy everything and everyone around you. Remember Job’s counselors. They were right about most of what they said, yet they were just applying it in the wrong way. What the nine and a half tribes were saying was right, but they had not taken the time to investigate the situation and determine whether it applied to the two and a half tribes in this case. Sometimes being right is dangerous and prevents us from seeing the full picture. You may have positions that differ from those of others in the church, even though you share the same values. You may be right, and you will keep pointing out when they are wrong until they get where I am. How can we be both right and righteous? How can we resolve the conflicts we face? There are two ways of “resolving conflict.”
  1. Follow the biblical instruction for resolving conflict. One time in Israel’s history, they did what was right and righteous. They went to talk with the two-and-a-half tribes to find out what was going on. There are some instructions in the book of Proverbs that will help us in this matter. Proverbs 14:17 (KJV) He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated. Do you have a quick temper? You do not have to be that way. Proverbs 15:1 (KJV) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. They did what? We will go to war. Proverbs 15:18 (KJV) A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife. Proverbs 15:28 (KJV) The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things. The righteous thinks before he speaks. Proverbs 25:28 (KJV) He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. You just don’t understand. I sometimes just fly off the handle; that is the way I am. That tells me something about you. You are a very weak person who has no defense system. You have never allowed God to change you like He wants to. He can and He will. You can see how I am and how I used to be, but God is changing me. He will change us if we give him complete control. God does not play “Let’s make a deal.” God says, “Give me complete control, and I will provide for you.” God wants to take our suffering and difficulties and help us with them. Look at Joshua 22:15. They came to the two and a half tribes and sought what had happened. Jesus said something about this in Matthew 18:15-17 (KJV) 15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Your brother may be wrong, but you may not know that. The point is not to blame the other person, but to conduct a fact-finding mission. That is why you take someone with you. The point here is not to control someone but to reconcile two parties. There may have been a sin, and the person will not depart from that sin. Most of the time, the offended party can be reconciled. We need to have fewer wars and more reconciliation. 1 Timothy 5:19 (KJV) Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses. Go to Joshua and look at Joshua 22:21-30. They found out what was really going on with the two-and-a-half tribes. Now they find out that these people were interested in being righteous and that made a great difference. The two and a half tribes were interested in seeing that they and their children did not depart from serving the Lord. When they discerned the intent of their heart, it was okay. They backed off, and they, too, wanted to be righteous. 

You see we do the same thing here in Orlando. We see people who don’t serve God the way we do and make evaluations about them, and we may be right, yet we do not know why some do not serve the Lord as we do. We may not know their hurts and problems. We dare not sit in judgment on people who do not serve God like we do until we go to them and inquire about their situation. We need to encourage them to serve God without judging them. Let God do the work. 

  1. Live your own life and not that of others. Learn to distinguish between the ideal standard God sets, which is Himself, and reality. 1 Peter 1:16 (KJV) Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy. [Emphasis added.] Has anyone been completely God-like all of last week? We will never completely measure up. Then why don’t we give others the same slack we give ourselves? The two-and-a-half tribes had settled for “good enough,” and that would eventually catch up with them. Yet they are trying to get where they need to be. Total consecration is what God wants from us, yet some are struggling. We need to learn to distinguish between what is right and what is practical. God did not say to build an altar on the east side of Jordan. Are you thankful we have a building to meet in with AC and heaters? God did not say to build a building like the one we have. There are no instructions for this matter in the Bible, but it sure is practical. This is not biblical, but it is reality. I have seen dads who have lived for the devil and suddenly get the conviction to serve the Lord. He has spent his life in rebellion against God before his children, and suddenly, he wants his children to serve God as he does. They don’t understand. That is reality. We need to learn to give them some slack and try to bring them along to where we are. The nine and a half tribes invited the others to join them, but if they choose to stay in the place of what is “good enough,” then they will just stay there. Romans 14:1-3 (KJV) 1 Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations. 2 For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs. 3 Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him. Romans 14:9-13 (KJV) 9 For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living. 10 But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. 11 For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. 12 So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God. 13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way. You see we need to invite others to come on over and be with us, but if they chose not to then we should not stand in judgment of them. We need to love them.