Pastor Rockwell / GUIDELINES FOR MARRIAGE  “KEEPING COUPLES TOGETHER”

Pastor Jerry Rockwell

Part 1

Ephesians 5:21-33

Introduction: The institution of marriage is facing difficult times. When I first started preaching in 1967, the divorce rate in 1970 was 20% of the couples married in 1950. As of 2024, the divorce rate in the U.S. remains at approximately 40% to 50%. Here are some interesting statistics about divorce:

• There were 13 divorces an hour in England and Wales in 2012
• Women were granted 65% of all divorces
• 9,703 men and 6,026 women aged over 60 got divorced
• One in seven divorces were granted as a result of adultery.
• 719 (less than 1%) divorces were granted because of desertion
• The average age at divorce was 45 for men and 42 for women
• 9% of couples divorcing had both been divorced before
• 48% of couples divorcing had at least one child aged under 16 living with the family
• It is expected that 42% of marriages will end in divorce

  • Second marriages generally have the highest divorce rate, exceeding that of first marriages. While 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce, second marriages see divorce rates around 60-67%, and third marriages even higher, exceeding 70%.

God instituted marriage. After He created man, God placed him in the “garden of Eden” (Gen. 2:15) and called him Adam. Then God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Gen. 2:18). The two words “help meet” does not suggest inferior but an assistant, a person who supports another, “one who helps (literally).” It is essential to examine a passage in the New Testament that provides insight into the meaning of the husband-and-wife relationship. The passage before us, Ephesians 5:21-33, addresses the biblical perspective on marriage and its functioning. The biblical “chain of command” can help understand this concept.

The Biblical Chain of Command, 1 Corinthians 11:1-12. This passage is referred to as the biblical “chain of command.” It starts with vss. 2-3, which says, “2 Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. 3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” The chain of command is understood as: God – Christ – man – woman. God is the head, Christ is submissive to Him (yet not inferior because Christ is “God was manifest in the flesh” (1 Tim. 3:16), the head of man is Christ, with man being submissive to Christ, and the head of woman is man, and she is submissive to him. The key to all of this is the word “submitting” (Eph. 5:21). The word “submitting” in English grammar is “a present participle, which acts as a verb form used to indicate ongoing action or a state of being.” The word “submit” means to yield to the authority or will of another. It speaks nothing of superiority as a person. [Emphasis added.]

The Verse Under Consideration, Ephesians 5:21. It should be understood in this way. To maintain harmony in the marriage relationship the example in the Bible sets the tone. Submission is learned in the “congregation” of a church, which verse 21 has in mind as well. The text demonstrates the idea in the church and the marriage. It is important to take note of how the text of Ephesians 5:22-33 inserts the church as an example. The word “church” occurs nine times in Ephesians and all but three are found in Ephesians 5. Submission is understood and applied when people learn to submit to the pastor's leadership in a church congregation. This is stated in Hebrews 13:17 (KJV) Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. The submission of a congregation is supported also in Hebrews 13:7 (KJV) Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation. In the church relationship, no one thinks of themselves as inferior to the pastor, but as submissive. This should explain “submission” in a way that does not make a person inferior. Women are not inferior to men, yet they are the “weaker vessel” (1 Pet. 3:7), not weaker intellectually but physically. We live in an age of history where women are promoted as superior to men. Watch the TV commercials, and you will see that women are placed in roles that once belonged to men and men are portrayed as weak or somewhat ignorant. The society in which we live is not interested in adhering to a biblical standard. The Bible is not considered authoritative in any way.

There Are Some Essential Applications, Ephesians 5:21. John Phillips states the application of verse 21. He says, “This verse summarizes the practical implications of being filled with the Spirit, and it introduces the next major section of the letter. The next section deals with human relationships and reviews our various roles and positions in life.” These are two guidelines for understanding the marriage relationship, which is the subject of Ephesians 5:22-33. There is a phenomenon here about translations that deserves our notice. The “new” translations (ESV, NIV84, LSB, et al) have changed the word “God” (KJV) to “Christ” in vs. 21. You will not find anywhere in the King James Bible a statement about “fearing Christ” or “fear of Christ” or “fear Christ.” The phrase “fear God” appears 10 times in the KJV. The phrase “fear of God” occurs eight times in the KJV, five times in the Old Testament and three times in the New Testament. The “fear of God” or “fear God” are two critical statements in the Bible. God told Moses to speak to the people of Israel after giving him the Ten Commandments to have a “fear of God.” Then Moses explained why in Exodus 20:20 (KJV), And Moses said unto the people, Fear not: for God is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not. [Emphasis added.] There is a connection to the “fear” of God and “sin.” Moses conveys to the people that they should fear God, as it serves as a deterrent to sin. When Paul made the statement in Ephesians 5:21, he was referring to the biblical concept of fearing God. When he said the believer should submit themselves to one another “in the fear of God,” it would be the same as being a deterrent to sin; it is designed to promote obeying God. The word “fear” can have the idea of “mutual respect” or “afraid or fearful of something or someone.” The dictionary definition of “fear” is “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, or pain.” The context determines the meaning. Here, it is a noun, and due to what follows, it has the idea of “mutual respect,” yet the phrase states “in the fear of God.” Only your King James Bible conveys this concept. The new translations translate it “out of reverence for Christ” (ESV, NIV84). The dictionary does not equate “reverence” with fear or use it as a synonym. They change the meaning of the word “fear” (phobos). We have several words in our English vocabulary that use this word “fear” (phobos). The word “claustrophobia” refers to the fear of enclosed places, such as an elevator or closet. There is “acrophobia,” which is a “fear of heights.” Some have “aerophobia,” which is an intense fear of flying. Or maybe, “ophidiophobia,” meaning the fear of snakes. These are all English words, not Greek. In verse 21, it is the “fear of God.” People who have not accepted Christ as Saviour should have a fear of God. The passage used above, Genesis 20:20, suggests the “fear of God” is to be a deterrent to sin and a motivation to seek eternal life which will deliver them from the judgment of hell. The “fear of God” should also be an attribute of anyone who wants to serve God. Moses’ father-in-law, Jethro (Exod. 18:12), gave him some valuable advice when looking for some men who could help Moses in his work of guiding the people. Jethro told him in Exodus 18:21 (KJV) Moreover thou shalt provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, and rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. Note here that in searching for able men, the first requirement was “such as fear God.” The “leadership” Moses needed were men who not only “feared God” but had character traits as “men of truth” and “hating covetousness.” It is evident in this verse that leadership starts with a relationship with God and to “fear Him [God].” This application of verse 21, which applies to what comes before and after, is not always taught in the context of marriage. In my opinion, it applies to both parties. 

When exegeting the passage under consideration (Eph. 5:22-33), it is essential to examine the subject matter and how it builds upon the preceding context. This passage has three players: husbands, wives, and the church. Some comparisons help understand the application of each admonition. We will see how marriage is an illustration of how the church is to function and how the church is an illustration of how marriage works. With this in mind, let's briefly launch into these verses. For this study we will follow Dr. Phillips’ outline.

  1. THE APPLICATION OF SUBMISSION, Ephesians 5:21. Briefly, the meaning of this verse is applicable to the married couple and to the church. Remember the “chain of command” mentioned earlier? This applies all through this study. The wife is to be “submissive” to her husband, the husband is to be “submissive” to Christ, and Christ was “submissive” to the Father. The word “submitting” has the meaning of “to arrange under, to subordinate, to submit to one’s control.” John Phillips identifies these two roles in a significant way. For the woman/wife, the role includes “surrender,” and for the man/husband, the word is “sacrifice.” 
  1. Surrender, Responsibility of the Wife, Ephesians 5:22-24. Paul admonished the church at Ephesus in Ephesians 5:15-16 (KJV) 15 See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, 16 Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. These verses can be applied here to any believer who wants to do the “will of God.” Then, following that statement, it should not be overlooked what is stated in Ephesians 5:17-18 (KJV) 17 Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is. 18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit. The previous study of these verses pointed out that the “wise” should never act in an “unwise” manner. These verses are suggestive to application in the church and outside the church confines. Harold Hoehner has an excellent comment:

These characteristics are relatively easy to manifest in a church setting because fellow believers may only see each other a few hours each week. However, Paul’s injunction to be filled by the Spirit extends beyond merely a church service or a casual gathering to the believer’s life at home and at work where he or she will be observed twenty-four hours a day.

Many Christians today see their “Christianity” as being practiced only when in the church building or church function. They see their Christianity as not applicable in the workplace. There is an illustration from John Phillips which fits here: “Where light radiates, it brings a change of character and a change of conduct. The days we live in are evil. If there was ever a time when the Christian lifestyle and the light of God’s word should be demonstrated in the home, workplace, and public, it is now. One of the essential biblical principles expressed in Ephesians 5 is to be congruent with what is stated in Ephesians 1:22-23, 22 And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, 23 Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all. The relationship between the church and believers cannot be overlooked. When referring to the importance of wives submitting to their husbands, the church, congregation, is “subject to Christ” (Eph. 5:24). The marriage relationship is a microcosm of the church’s relationship with Christ. He is the head, and every believer has the responsibility to submit to His authority. The authority of Christ is found in the Bible. 

  1. Sacrifice, The Responsibility of the Husband, Ephesians 5:25-33. The responsibility of the man is stated in Ephesians 5:25 (KJV) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. This verse is straightforward. The husband’s role is similar to Jesus' sacrifice for the Church. He gave himself as stated in Titus 2:14 (KJV) Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. Our redemption is available to us because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. It also says in ‘Galatians 1:4 (KJV) Who gave himself for our sins, that he might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father. These two verses reveal the outcome of Jesus' self-sacrifice for us. Jesus' “sacrifice” applied to “salvation” and “protection.” John 3:16 is the statement of this truth. Jesus was not forced to die for our sins, but His love and the Father’s love drove Him to lay down His life for sinners. It was God’s will, and Jesus stated this two times (Matthew 26:39, 42). In Matthew 26:42, Jesus said, “. . .thy will be done.” Every husband should make this a part of his participation in marriage, God’s will! That means the husband will provide leadership in ensuring the family attends church and participates in spiritual activities. It is the husband’s responsibility to see that the children are exposed to the word of God. The husband must be the “spiritual” leader in the family. He should be willing to sacrifice his desires (golf, fishing, etc.) to allow his wife and children be taken to spiritual activities. He should be the “leader” in these things. My dad had a saying when we would ask him if we could do something as a family, like a movie or other activity. He would say, “Let’s don’t and say we did.” I wonder if some use this saying more than it is known.

BIBLICAL GUIDELINES

TO KEEP COUPLES TOGETHER,

Part 2 “Wives, submit yourselves. . .”

Ephesians 5:22-24

Introduction: There was a time in history when the United States were people who desired for the nation to know God and His truth. Even Christopher Columbus, though a Roman Catholic, had a desire to be evangelistic and his exploration that led to the discovery of the part of the world which became the United States of America. David Conway mentioned a book he was reading, Light and Glory, about the early days of the founding of what became the United States of America. Peter Marshal and David Manuel are authors, and it is a significant read. They provide an excellent evaluation of the factors that have contributed to the current state of life in the United States. The book, Light and Glory, begins with an introduction that provides an overview of the founding of the United States of America as a “better place to live.” They then give a history of the things that brought the U.S.A. to life. Yet, something suddenly changed. They observe:

“And then, with a suddenness that is still bewildering, everything went out of balance. Our military ventures ceased to go according to the script. And our President, the personification of The Dream, was assassinated. Our young people began to revolt on a scale that no generation ever had before—indiscriminately lashing out at all authority or escaping into the mindless self-destruction of drug abuse. The emerging nations, to whom we had given so freely, were almost unanimous in their hatred of us. Our foreign policy devolved into one of reaction, rather than action; in effect, we had no foreign policy.

“Domestically, our economy waxed increasingly erratic; economists could no longer predict its gyrations  . . .Our children’s mathematics and English aptitudes were plummeting; by college-entrance standards they were two years behind the averages of a decade before. . .psychiatry (sic) could not begin to cope with the tidal wave of mental and emotional disorders. . .claiming one hospital bed in three. . .But perhaps the most mystifying indicator of all was the loss of moral soundness. . .the sexual promiscuity, which we scrambled to accommodate through legalized abortion, permissive sex education, and ever more effective birth preventives, was not in itself the most telling sign of the depth of moral decay. Nor was it the dis-integration (sic) of the family unit, the common thread which was all that was keeping the fabric of America from coming apart at the seams. And indeed, the American family seemed to be unraveling: a divorce rate that was approaching one marriage in two, when two generations ago divorce had been almost unheard of; the sudden prevalence of child abuse which had been even rarer. . .The most significant index of the extent of our moral decay was our very indifference to it. Pornography had insinuated itself into practically every level of our daily life, including our language. . .”

This is a brief analysis of our current national and individual standings, which is very accurate. There needs to be an adjustment, and it is the conviction of this preacher that the adjustment must begin where we find ourselves today, in the auditorium and internet stream of Eastland Baptist Church. The following will not address everything pointed out in the above quotation. Our goal is to focus on what we can address together, and that is our commitment to the word of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, the Church, and our desire to be what God wants us to be and do to make the family unit what God intended it to be. The following is only a starting point. It is up to you and me to begin the process of healing one aspect we can do something about, the family unit, and sound biblical marriages.

Last week, you saw some statistics about divorce, which is currently taking place at a rate of around 70%. That should not be true among Christians who are supposed to live according to God’s word. There is a verse that addresses how God sees “divorce.” It is Malachi 2:16 (KJV) For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. This verse is considered by most a reference to divorce. Some “nay-sayers” would say, well God is divorced, and that is true according to Jeremiah 3:14. If you note the “reason” God divorced Israel and Judah, it was for “adultery,” which in this case was “spiritual adultery.” God’s reason for divorcing Israel and Judah is stated in Malachi 2:11 (KJV): Judah hath dealt treacherously, and an abomination is committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah hath profaned the holiness of the LORD which he loved, and hath married the daughter of a strange god. Also, in Jeremiah 3:8 (KJV) And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. We do know from the New Testament that “divorce” is permitted by God, only in the case of infidelity in marriage (Matt. 5:31-32). Jeremiah 3:8 is the only place in the Bible where the singular form of the word “divorce” is found. The past tense of the noun “divorce” is found three times (Lev. 21:4; 22:13; Num. 30:9). The word “divorcement” occurs three times (Deut. 24:1, 3; Isa. 50:1). This word (“divorcement’) is a noun and denotes a resulting state and signifies divorce. From this brief study, we can learn what was expected of God for His people regarding marriage and how to maintain a healthy marriage. 

If you have been married longer than 20 years, you have weathered most of the storms that initiate the destruction of a marriage. They must be correctly handled. This lesson is not about anything but the biblical principles that make marriage what it should be. I know I am, in a sense, preaching to the choir, yet there are many people here now and in the streaming process who may not be present and are struggling in a marriage relationship. God gives these principles to help you and me live in harmony in marriage, as other scriptures teach us how to live in harmony with people in the church and the world. Our world has become increasingly hostile to biblical principles and the practice of living according to biblical standards. That hostility has caused young people to turn their backs on what is the most significant item in the world, the “word of God.” Let’s take a brief venture into what Paul was given by God for our learning and edification. This study will focus on the women/ladies, although there are some things for the husband to learn and apply. Look at Titus 2:3-5 (KJV) 3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. This verse suggests that if you are an older woman you can help the younger women in many things, especially marriage. 

  The family's function is an integral part of the biblical revelation. Paul addresses it here in a more detailed explanation of its roles and responsibilities. The family unit is a central part of the New Testament scripture. Ephesians is considered the more extensive revelation of how the family is to function. Its explanation covers Ephesians 5:22-6:4, beginning with the wife (Eph. 5:22-24), the husband (Eph. 5:25-33), children (Eph. 6:1-3), and fathers (Eph. 6:4). This portion of scripture is focused on the family unit. There are also sections of scripture that cover the family unit, such as Colossians 3:18-22; 4:1, and 1 Peter 3:1-7, which deal with the family in a briefer way than Ephesians. The book of Colossians addresses the husband-wife relationship in two verses while Ephesians uses 13 verses to cover the subject. Some would ask why is there such a disparity in the two books. The reason is clear. The marriage is to be an example or type of the union between Christ and the church. The church will not function properly if the husband-and-wife relationship is not in harmony with the word of God. Abraham Kuruvilla observes this line of thought. He says, “. . .the commands to husband and wife stand at the top of the household code, for no other human relationship so closely reflects Christ’s union with the church.”

  1. THE DETESTED WORD “SUBMIT,” Ephesians 5:22. This word is often (if not always) misunderstood. Some believe the word means “slave girl.” Others think it suggests “mindless obedience.” Let’s see what the Bible says about “submit.” The first time the word “submit” occurs in the Bible is Genesis 16:9. This is the event when Sarai (before she became Sarah). This was the event when Hagar, the mother of Ishmael (child of Hagar by Abraham) and Sarai went to Abram (before he was Abraham ) and he told her to “do to her as it pleaseth thee” (Gen. 16:6). Sarai dealt hard with Hagar and she and the boy fled. The angel of the Lord came to Hagar and instructed her to return to Sarai and “submit thyself under her hands” (Gen. 16:9). The word “submit” here is a bit harsh and suggests “being looked down upon” or “put down.” That is the Old Testament position. The New Testament is significantly different. It is first found in Romans 10:3, where it describes a lost person who is “ignorant of God’s righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God.” The word means “to place under.” In the New Testament, the word does not immediately convey the meaning of obedience, which implies subjection or subordination. The issue is “keeping a willfully divine order.” This is also used in other places. See: 

Colossians 3:18 (KJV) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 1 Peter 3:1 (KJV) Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. Here ladies, submission is a means of evangelism, leading a lost husband to Christ. Titus 2:5 (KJV) To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. This verse teaches that “submission” is an act of keeping the word of God, and it should not be “blasphemed.” These verses do not suggest a “slave girl” attitude, who has no opinion or interaction with the affairs of the household. It is essential to consider the “biblical chain of command” mentioned last week (1 Cor. 11:3). Someone must make important decisions, but that does not preclude the consideration of other opinions. Ladies, you are to be “submissive” because God said to, but that does not mean you have no part in the family and making decisions. What if you are home with the children and your husband is at work? A decision must be made about a matter involving the children. Do you call him on his mobile phone, or wait until he returns home and let him make the decision? NO! A soldier in the army has a chain of command. The Sargent is under the Commanding Officer, but when dealing with the troops, he does not run to the Commanding Officer for advice about every issue. He is familiar with the regulations and guidelines and makes decisions in accordance with the Army's regulations. That is true in the home. There are guidelines in place for two people, a husband and wife, to discuss processes in the home, and then everyone acts accordingly. Being willing to “submit” to the leadership of the husband is pleasing to God, just as Jesus being submissive to God, the Father. This section is concluded with Ephesians 5:23 (KJV) For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 

  1. THE DUTY OF THE HUSBAND IN SUBMISSION, Ephesians 5:23. There is an interesting illustration of submission in 1 Corinthians 16:15-16 (KJV) 15 I beseech you, brethren, (ye know the house of Stephanas, that it is the firstfruits of Achaia, and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints,) 16 That ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth. [Emphasis added.] Paul is telling the people in the church at Corinth to “submit” to Stephanas and the people of Achaia, who were addicted to the ministry. It is worth noting that Paul added the submission to “every one that helpeth with us, and labroueth.” This included the husbands in the congregation. Submission is a significant part of the ministry, even as marriage, when the husband and wife are Christian, should have no problem with submission. Then the text takes the role of the husband a step further. He is told in Ephesians 5:25 (KJV) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. This verse places the husband in an exciting position. He is to do as Christ did in establishing the church. He gave himself for the church by submitting to the Father's will. The husband has a role that is “sacrificial.” He is not just the “head” of the wife, but her protector, willing to sacrifice for her well-being and benefit. The husband is to sacrifice his personal desires to fulfill the biblical desires of the family, especially in relation to the wife. This verse (Eph. 5:23), is an indication that the husband is “head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.” Jesus seldom sought his own will, but God’s will. He lived according to the dictates of the Father, the word of God. So, men, as husbands, are to function according to the dictates of the Bible. When a husband does this, he is following what Jesus wants in the life of a husband. Maybe that is why Jesus is referred to as “the word of God,” as stated in John 1:1 (KJV) In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God (cf. Rev. 19:13;  
  2. III.THE DIVINE ILLUSTRATION OF SUBMISSION, Ephesians 5:24. The husband’s love is to be like Christ, in a sacrificial way. To the husband, his wants and needs are to be last in priority. He is not to consider himself to be number one in the family. Christ is to be in that position. 1 Corinthians 11:3 is clear: Christ is the head of the husband. That means he has the first responsibility to obey Christ. You may ask, how does a husband obey Christ? There is a simple answer: read the Bible, the word of God, and follow what it says. Men, if your family is not acting “godly,” then go to the place where you shave every day and look at the image in the mirror. Your family is only imitating your behavior. I loved my dad very much, but when I was a young boy, he was not saved. He worked hard and did all he could to provide for the family. Yet, he did not put forward a biblical example. One of the things my dad taught me was how to “cuss.” For those who do not know that word, it means speaking “profanities.” I loved baseball, and as best I can remember, my dad only came to one game I played. Then, he corrected me on my ability, which was not very good at that time. He was saved when I was about 15, and when I became a preacher, he was always there to hear me preach, if it was a place where he could attend. Men, what are you conveying to your children? You say, well, I am old and my children are grown. What about your grandchildren? Or your great-grand-children? You can influence them. You may ask, how? Look at Ephesians 5:26 (KJV) That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. Jesus has a goal for the family, and the one selected to carry out the project is the head of the home, the husband.